“You know, children are pretty narcissistic.”

Part of an occasional series about phrases that this therapist finds himself repeating, often.

Photo by Bekah Russom on Unsplash

As a clinician in private practice, one of the phrases that I hear myself saying is this: “You know, children are pretty narcissistic.” In all sincerity, that is not intended as slight toward the child in question. Seriously, it isn’t.

There are a couple of situations where this statement about “narcissistic children” emerges. One situation is when you might be attempting to explain the behavior of a child or adolescent to a parent. But the other situation, and the one that tends to elicit a “lightbulb” moment, is exploring with an adult why they still blame themselves for something that happened to them when they were a child.

We generally think of narcissism as a negative trait, but there is a way in which it is very functional, especially when we are children. While some of us grow up in environments where our needs are generally met, not all of us do. So having some self-centeredness can be a good way of ensuring your survival. This is good.

But that sense of being the “center of the universe” can cut both ways.

An example: Let’s say that two parents are separating. The child in that situation may feel as…