“Try saying ‘I wonder if …’”
Part of an occasional series about phrases that this therapist finds himself repeating, often.
As a clinician in private practice, one of the phrases that I hear myself repeating often is “Try saying this to them: ‘I wonder if…’.” This suggestion often emerges in a discussion with a parent about guiding and not directing their child, ensuring that your child has the option to make choices for themselves versus you making the choice for them. This phrase is about creating an environment where your child can think for themselves instead of waiting for you to tell them the “right” thing to do.
This could be useful when you find yourself “stuck” in parenting … or potentially in other relationships too.
Remember, children are trying to grow up.
The choices that our children make are an effort to assert their independence, to grow and develop. As the adults that care for them, we would do well to remember that exercising choice takes practice.
They will make mistakes … and that is good!
Our job is to help them think through these choices. Just as their muscles get stronger through activity, a child’s ability to make better choices comes from having room to exercise that choice.
The “I wonder” question gives you a chance to make room for choices.
For example, if a child has made a mistake or had some difficulty that day, you could ask a question such as “I wonder what some other options would be if that situation happens again?”
In this way, you are giving them the option to think through what they might do. This gives their brain some exercise, even if they come up with a silly option or two, they are the one who is having to think it through.
