“Parenting is structure in the context of relationship.”

Part of an occasional series about phrases that this therapist finds himself repeating, often.

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As a clinician in private practice, one of the phrases that I hear myself repeating often is this: “Parenting is structure in the context of relationship.” This phrase tries to strike a balance with childrearing that has started to lean one way or the other. In my experience, parents tend to settle too much on the relationship-side or on the structure-side; it can be difficult to strike a balance with your child or adolescent.

So how do we balance being in caring relationship with our children while providing needed structure?

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Assess your own need or distaste for structure.

Trying not to be too reductionistic, personality types tend to eschew structure or crave it. Personality tests such as the Enneagram, the Myers-Briggs, or Five Factor Model, seem to get at this element of “openness/agreeableness” vs. “conscientiousness” or perhaps it is the “strong…