“Don’t work harder than they are.”

Part of an occasional series about phrases that this therapist finds himself repeating, often.

Photo by John Schnobrich on Unsplash

As a clinician in private practice, one of the phrases that I hear myself saying sometimes is this: “Don’t work harder than they are.”

This is one of my favorite multi-purpose phrases. There are ways in which it applies to the relationships between parents and children, sometimes with a spouse, and quite often in situations where I have had the privilege to supervise emerging clinicians prior to licensure. In fact, that is where this phrase was first given to me, as a student myself.

Those of us who go into the field of social work can be quite passionate about our work. We want to help. But sometimes that exuberance can look more like inflicting care on others instead of empowering others to help themselves.

Here are the questions that arise:

• When is it right to step over a line and do something for someone that they don’t seem to be able to do for themselves?
• If I know I can get something done quicker/easier/better then why not?
• If they can’t do it, then should I?

Back to the microcosm of our families, let’s take the case of a child and their…